Political Slashfics: Ricky Wears His Bunny Suit, and is Bad and Filthy

March 28, 2012 § 2 Comments

Play nice

It’s that time again! Today, Rick Santorum has two adventures: he breaks for Easter, then says a naughty word and pays the price!

For more, see Modern Primate!

[and/or full text after the jump]

Episode 5: Ricky Santorum is Bad and Filthy

Ricky-Rick Santorum has been a very naughty boy. When the mean old reporter asked some things about that thing, Ricky huffed and he puffed and he said the BS word, which was wrong! His mom was so mad she sent him straight to bed without any dinner!

“And no toys either,” she said.

“B-b-but moooom,” Ricky whined. “Not even my Glowbear Bible?”

Ricky’s favorite toy is a bear-shaped nightlight that projects Bible verses onto the wall. His favorite game is to lie on his tummy and read the parts about all those smitings again and again. He’d laugh so much!

“No,” Ricky’s mom said. “No Glowbear Bible for naughty boys.” She looked at her 53 year-old son and frowned. She was very cross! “What’s that smell?” she asked.

“I don’t smell nuthin,” Ricky said.

“Richard John Santorum!” Ricky’s mom said. “You are a stinkpot! You must take a bath this instant!”

Ricky stuck out his bottom lip. He hated baths ever since the time his dingy got stuck in the drain.

“I’m going to draw you some water. I’ll be taking away your floaty toys, as punishment.”

“No floaty toys!?” Ricky’s eyes filled with tears.

“Maybe next time you won’t make the baby Jesus cry with your secular mouth,” his mom said.

:)

Once Ricky was in the bath, he remembered he’d hidden some Fisher Price Little People® where the soap should have been. He took them out and made them dance a bubble dance.

“My name is Ricky Santorum,” he made one say. “I am President of the United States!” The other one was a lady with black hair.

“My name is Matt Roomba,” he made her say. “I am a dingy!”

Ricky blushed saying such a bad thing! But it also felt good.

“Hey Matt Roomba,” Little Person® Ricky said. “I bet you eat corn.”

Little Person® Matt Roomba dunked under the water. “Ricky Santorum I think you should be President!” he said when he came up for air.

“Your toes look like your face and Jesus doesn’t love you!” Little Person® Ricky said. “I bet your mom has a job!”

“RICHARD JOHN SANTORUM,” Ricky heard from the hallway. “I said no playing. Do I need to come in there and paddle your bottom?”

“No mom,” Ricky said, even though Little Person® Ricky nodded yes. He put his Little People® back in the soap dish and wiggled his toes. Running for President is fun!

Episode 6: Ricky Wears His Bunny Suit

“Mommy will you fix my bunny ears?” Ricky Santorum asked.

Mrs. Santorum finished applying her lipstick and shot her son a dangerous look.

“I just fixed them,” Mrs. Santorum said. “All you do is squirm.”

Ricky was excited because it was Easter, which meant he got to wear his normal pajammies to his church’s egg hunt. He’d always worn his pajammies on Easter, but last year one of the kids asked if he was a rabbit, because of the smell. Ricky thought this was a good idea, so when he got home he glued a bunch of cotton balls to a catcher’s mask and asked his mom to help him sew two old socks to a headband he’d found on the walk home. Today was the first time he’d be wearing his Easter outfit outside!

Once he was all dressed, Ricky wandered down to the kitchen. He opened the refrigerator and looked for those orange sticks his mom made him eat sometimes. “Mom!” Ricky yelled. “Where are those orange sticks?”

Mrs. Santorum didn’t answer. “What is wrong, Doc?” Ricky asked. He booped out his bunny bottom and wiggled his tail.

_

After Church all the little kids followed Ricky into a field, where he’d dumped out a few containers of eggs. The winner of the egg hunt would get a special prize—an Easter basket filled with the most delicious chocolate treats. “I made them myself,” Ricky told all the kids.

“What’s that smell?” one of them asked.

Ricky shrugged, and half the cotton balls fell off his mask. Why were people always asking him that?

_

Mrs. Santorum said Ricky should air out his pajammies, so instead of driving back with her he walked the whole way home. In a parking lot outside a Dunkin Donuts, Ricky spied another person in a bunny costume and skipped over to say hello.

“Hello other bunny,” Ricky said. “I’m running for president!” He smiled so big the rest of his cotton balls fell off.

“Hello,” the bunny said.

“That’s a cool costume,” Ricky said. “Did your mom help you make it?”

The other bunny didn’t answer. Ricky felt a funny hotness in his face. The bunny sure looked strong.

“Do you have a name, other bunny?” Ricky asked. The hotness in his face was moving down his throat. Suddenly his palms were very itchy.

“Michael,” the other bunny answered.

Ricky couldn’t think of what to say next. “I like your mouth,” he finally said. What a funny thing to say! But it was little and painted pink, like a shoe.

“What else do you like?” Michael asked.

“You look soft,” Ricky said. He and Michael stood there quietly. Ricky was suddenly feeling very fuzzy.

-

That night Ricky had a hard time falling asleep. Not even his Glowbear Bible was helping. His face kept getting hot, and there were all these little bits of chocolate stuck to his bunny suit. “I must have sitted on a Reese’s,” he told his mom. Mrs. Santorum was very cross and sent him to bed without any warm milk.

Ricky sighed and flopped over on his tummy. Maybe tomorrow he’d go out looking for his new friend Michael. But how would he recognize him, without the suit? Ricky thought and thought until his head started hurting and he drifted off to bunny dreamland.

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