Santorum Slashfic: 50 Shades of Romney

July 17, 2012 § Leave a comment

It’s that time again!

Previously on Santorum Slashfic, Ricky learned a valuable lesson about online dating. This week, Ricky tries to make sense of the latest crisis to hit the Romney campaign. Please check your gently used copies of 50 Shades of Grey at the door, it’s gonna be a bumpy ride!

For the full story, go to Modern Primate!

[and/or full text after the jump]

Everybody in Matt Roomby’s house keeps talking about the brain capital and Ricky Santorum is very confused! He knows that when a place has a lot of one thing, people sometimes call it the that-thing capital. But if that’s true, how come there are no brains anywhere??

After a weekend of sniffing, Ricky finally finds some brains out in the garden. He shoves as many as he can into his mouth and trots back to Matt Roomby’s house. He accidentally eats them before get gets inside though, so when Matt and the blonde lady ask where he’s been and what he’s got all over his face, Ricky makes a barking noise and barfs up all the brains.

“Those are my prize-winning turnips!” The blonde lady yells.

“You can have someone grow more,” Matt Roomby says. “Now, I need to go strategize. Jeff Gordon, come!”

Ricky would follow Matt Roomby anywhere! But first he licks at the brains on the floor.

*

Matt Roomby stays on the phone with his advisors for so long that Ricky poops and pees three times. Matt Roomby doesn’t notice because he is so busy talking about the brain capital. One of the voices on the conference call says the campaign should try to spin Matt’s involvement for each dippagrafick, starting with something called the mom vote.

“We could send them a nice picture the candidate standing in front of a barn,” one of Matt’s advisors suggests.

“That’s good,” Matt says. “I’ll wear blue jeans. But what message should I write at the bottom?”

“We’d better ask Siri,” the advisor says.

“Oh course,” Matt says. “Maria, will you please ask Siri what kinds of things women like?”

One of the Marias assigned to carry around Matt Roomby’s devices approaches Matt’s chair and boopboops his iPhone. “Siri,” she asks. “What kinds of things do women like?”

“You need to be more specific,” Siri says.

“Hmm,” Matt Roomby says. “My wife is a woman. Ask Siri what kinds of things my wife likes.”

“Siri, what kinds of things does Mr. Romney’s wife like?”

Ricky giggles because no one knows Matt Roomby’s real name!!

“The last purchase Mrs. Romney made on this iPhone was the bestselling 50 Shades of Gray.”

“I’ve heard of that book,” one of the advisors says. “My wife hides copies all around the house. In the bathroom, in one of the kitchen drawers. Even above the washer and dryer. It must be pretty good.”

“I think we have a winner,” Matt Roomby says. “Maria, bring me a copy of 50 Shades of Gray.”

Maria blinks. “I’ll send one of the footmen to Barnes and Noble right away.”

*

Later that afternoon, Matt Roomby’s footman delivers the book. Matt sits down on his reading couch, and Ricky curls up beside him. Every few minutes a servant reaches down to wipe up Ricky’s slobber and Febreeze his farts, which is a dangerous job.

“Maria,” Matt says, looking up from his book. “Tell Siri to bookmark this passage:

Don’t hesitate,’ he admonishes me softly, an undercurrent in his voice, and he pops the balls in his mouth.

Fuck, this is sexier than the toothbrush. I follow his orders immediately. Jeez, can I touch my ankles? I find I can, with ease. The T-shirt slides up my back, exposing my behind. Thank heavens I have retained my panties, but I suspect I won’t for long.’

Matt reaches the end of the page. “Jeff Gordon,” he says. Ricky leans over and licks the page forward.

“Good boy,” Matt says, and continues reading.

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