A Scary Happy Story

December 24, 2013 § 5 Comments

Because iChat transcripts are the poetry of our time, and because it’s Christmas Eve, I thought I’d share the below cyber viewing e-party forward slash liveblog. The art film (which is NOT the Jack Frost starring Michael Keaton you guys) is currently streaming on Netflix so if you really want to get interactive you can watch while reading our commentary! omg asynchronous. Ho ho ho everybody!!!
————————————-
Katie N.
JACK FROST!
Whitney P.
r u ready????
Katie N.
READY TO HIT PLAY!
Whitney P.
i’m just making myself some antifreeze
Katie N.
for your oats
okay
paused at 2sec
close enough!
Whitney P.
let’s hit play on the count of 3
3
2
1
play!
Katie N.
done!
Whitney P.
peeeese uncle henry
Katie N.
god even the beginning gives me the creeps
Whitney P.
happy scary story
Katie N.
HE DID IT FOR REAL??
Whitney P.
uncle henry
knives thru their faces
Katie N.
haha
Whitney P.
too many hugs
Katie N.
uncle henry would know
Whitney P.
i don’t think he’s really her uncle
38 deaths
Katie N.
bonecruncher
Whitney P.
lol
“…until the pies”
RATLY FEAST
Katie N.
haha
Whitney P.
nathan is looking at me like i’m crazy
Katie N.
get with the program, nathan
Whitney P.
he’s pretty drunk tho
Katie N.
finally, let’s get to the meat of this holiday tale!
Whitney P.
STATE EXECUTION VEHICLE
Katie N.
legit
Whitney P.
lol michael keaton looks BEAT
Katie N.
handsome, beat, tho
Whitney P.
so pointy
SNOWMANTON COUNTY
Katie N.
ahahahaha
Whitney P.
if you lived here you’d be home by now
Katie N.
my god, it’s shakespearian
Whitney P.
they know something is wrong
you can tell from how they’re frowning
Katie N.
subtle
i forgot how the magic happens…i can’t wait
Whitney P.
i like how there’s only one wiper on that whole execution transport vehicle
the 90s really were a magical time
O NO DRUNK DRIVAR
Katie N.
HAAAAAA
Whitney P.
ting
Katie N.
OH yeah
Whitney P.
GENETIC RESEARCH
Katie N.
oh yeah…genetic research
Whitney P.
it’s normal to write that on a truck
Katie N.
+ heat
Whitney P.
+snow
Katie N.
…mantown
Whitney P.
+dark magic
Katie N.
+ christmas magic
Whitney P.
+animation
+ genetics
= MUTANT KILLAH SNOWMAN
Katie N.
YES
now it all make sense
pew pew pew
Whitney P.
you can’t kill snow you anus!
look, it’s the poor man’s david hasselhoff
what is this, sharknado
??
Katie N.
what a crossover that would be
Whitney P.
needs to happen
i like how he was pissing
i think that was castaic
Katie N.
I would be honored
Whitney P.
lol me too
hallowed ground
i searched for pics of “castaic ca” and the first 5 were of freeway fires
Katie N.
yeah that sounds about right
Whitney P.
haha this kid has an emotional disorder
Katie N.
wow this house is depressing
Whitney P.
OATS
Katie N.
should he really be using the stove?
Whitney P.
i like how there’s no snow in snowmonton
Katie N.
lol…here’s the snow part of town
shannon elizabeth’s breakout role
Whitney P.
chris just said “hey that’s what’s her name, she was in stuff back then”
Katie N.
he’s right!
a few stuff
Whitney P.
frosty paper icicles
Katie N.
everyone in this town is a little…oats
Whitney P.
omg foreshadowing
Katie N.
boobs
Whitney P.
totally made of ice
Katie N.
this is the weirdest looking coconut snow
Whitney P.
TOMMY
the difference between snowmen & snowwomen
snowballs
SNOW BALLS
get it??
Katie N.
tommy is hot, regardless of IQ
Whitney P.
i like the salt guy
i’ll find a way
Katie N.
end of an era
Whitney P.
snowballs
IT’S THE PUNCHLINE TO END ALL PUNCHLINES
oh my god she was like 18
gross
snowmanton sherrif
Katie N.
show some respect
this is snowmonton
Whitney P.
i made these oats special for you
Katie N.
haha
this is like a coen brothers film
Whitney P.
mulder???
Katie N.
That would be epic
Whitney P.
that would be the sex dream of my dreams, really
Katie N.
rightfully so
Whitney P.
it’s never over
you bruce campbell stand-in
Katie N.
this music is stessing me out!
Whitney P.
oh shit that weasel guy was on the xfiles
he was the “scruffy minds” guy
who lived in a red lion inn
Katie N.
haha
yes
Whitney P.
that guy mummified so quick
it must be that brisk central california air
Katie N.
haha
Whitney P.
special oats
Katie N.
THIS KID
Whitney P.
i didn’t make no snowman
go put on his balls and face
Katie N.
snowballs
Whitney P.
SAM
Katie N.
old man harper
Whitney P.
SALT
and ammo
Katie N.
HAIR SPRAY
Whitney P.
that is sexual harassment and I don’t have to take it
that kid is such an idiot
Katie N.
he’s gifted
Whitney P.
lol carrot
bite him
Katie N.
weirdest snow ever
Whitney P.
i didn’t do it
holy moley
Katie N.
it wasn’t me!
Whitney P.
for decapitation that really isn’t much blood
Katie N.
sad piano little town of bethleham
Whitney P.
it’s like a half-spilled cup o noodles
mmm i want some
cuppa noodle
Katie N.
that kid is touched
by the devil
Whitney P.
“i have to believe my son”
lol
don’t you think you’re being little dramatic
Katie N.
justified, tho
Whitney P.
billy
tragical
Katie N.
let’s all just go home. case closed
Whitney P.
naw it’s just a snowman head
it’s cool
uuuuggghhh what a depressing house
Katie N.
i know. everything about this shack
Whitney P.
dat celery even
Katie N.
“life finds a way”
hits his head on those low ceilings
so sad
Whitney P.
lol jeeez sam
Katie N.
does sam die or what?
Whitney P.
SALT
yeah
Katie N.
that salty bastard
Whitney P.
axe you a question
Katie N.
was that sam?
Whitney P.
and he says something awesome like “christ salting devil”
Katie N.
I cant wait
the holiday decor in all these homes
yikes
Whitney P.
lady of the nite
THE LORD FORSOOCK THIS HOUSE LONG AGO DAD
Katie N.
I can tell
finish my scarf
Whitney P.
“when i want philosophy i’ll turn on oprah”
YES
first good death
listen for the blasphemy
Katie N.
finally
Whitney P.
god rite
SMOKE
who dat
Katie N.
the “effects”
as in…none
Whitney P.
why would it be sam
yeah lol
some dubbed voices
Katie N.
because sam needs to make peace!
Whitney P.
lol michael keaton
Katie N.
this is the weirdest family film
“christ-filthing dog”
Whitney P.
chris: “THAT’S NOT HOW YOU KILL SOMEONE WITH AN AXE!!!”
JUST DRINK YOUR TEA CHRIS
Katie N.
SAYS WHO!
Whitney P.
YOUR SON IS DEAD
Katie N.
you christ filthing dog
Whitney P.
christ filthing dog is pretty great
one of cinema’s greatest death scenes
Katie N.
One for the ages
Tinsel on trees
Whitney P.
i like how she grabs a handful of ice
and then he’s made of felt
Katie N.
This Jack Frost kinda reminds me of Alex Mack
Whitney P.
R-351
or whatever
you get from living in valencia
Katie N.
I know that felt arm. haha
Whitney P.
GC-161
lol and remember her killjoy sister annie?
Katie N.
Yeah
is that show streaming anywhere!?
Whitney P.
i’m sure we can find it
Katie N.
I remember reading on reddit this guy was like “the secret world of alex mack introduced me to the secret world of boners”
Whitney P.
sure
Katie N.
it’s like reddit in a nutshell
Whitney P.
ikr
chris is now questioning where snowmanton is located
Katie N.
Valencia
Whitney P.
“chef excellence” is what chris calls the FBI agent
Katie N.
I like that the sheriff corrects him, “…old man harper?”
Whitney P.
“asshole!” you go joyce
Katie N.
The real hero
Whitney P.
magic sextoy
forensics
sweet jesus
Katie N.
haha
ENGLISH!
Whitney P.
english, tony, english
lacerations
it, doc?
instead of he or she??
Katie N.
all these killings are blowing doug’s mind!
Whitney P.
just a figure of speech, sam
Katie N.
or…doc?
doug?
haha
Whitney P.
doc doug
Katie N.
either or
Whitney P.
i’d hit it
FBI is such a killjoy
snowballs
is that guy irish??
SPEECH
Katie N.
way to go!
Whitney P.
pedo
Katie N.
oh no, father!
all 10 people in town are there
Whitney P.
it’s a great turnout
FUCKERS A SNOOOOOWMAN
Katie N.
Yes
he had it comin
Whitney P.
wearing an outfilt like that
Katie N.
punch out all 20 people in this town
“you people”
Whitney P.
go darn a quilt or something
ew, “what’s eating him”
“i betcha it ain’t his girlfriend”
Katie N.
so gross
Whitney P.
yeah butts
i love this scene
everybody’s fucking chin
IT’S A TRAP
Katie N.
haha
welp. snowman said so
Whitney P.
“i guess i better get my snow shovel”
Katie N.
o…kay
Whitney P.
“no it’s cool and normal”
Katie N.
thermal updrafts
Whitney P.
that knowing look
Katie N.
this isn’t much of a “happy” story
Whitney P.
formica
and everything leaks
Katie N.
those handles
the oven from like the 1940′s
Whitney P.
ugh particle board
Katie N.
antifreeze!
Whitney P.
lucky sam sent me
pipes made of sawdust and glue
Katie N.
is this a porno?
Whitney P.
nice map
Katie N.
his son drew it this morning
Whitney P.
OATS
Katie N.
totally accurate
Whitney P.
chris: “what is it with this movie, where they’re really not trying at all”
OH I BEG TO DIFFER
lol linolium. LOLnolium
Katie N.
oh god your linolieum is starting to peel!
Whitney P.
uh oh sexy sex
“are you gonna come or not”
SEXUAL BANTER
Katie N.
didn’t her brother die right there like…that day?
Whitney P.
yes
that’s the point i think?
she’s coping
Katie N.
SO HOT
Whitney P.
in the best way shannon elizabeth knows how
Katie N.
take off those layers
Whitney P.
chris: “we’re gonna get SO undressed”
Katie N.
nooooooo
Whitney P.
I’LL BE BLOW DRYING MY HAIR TOMMY
why??
Katie N.
sparkling wine
Whitney P.
thanks trader joes
Katie N.
haha
Whitney P.
my dad still gets all his christmas wine gifts there
raindeer slop water or whatever
Katie N.
nothing but the best for my guests
Whitney P.
sure put some ice in the wine
Katie N.
a nice rose
Whitney P.
FORMICA
and celery carrot water
OH NO WHOSE DARE
“well it ain’t fuckin frosty”
Katie N.
guitar riff!
Whitney P.
EXTREEEEME
i want hawaiian snow!
i like the brains effects
poor tommy
Katie N.
rip
Whitney P.
and that idiot, still drying her hair
that water is prolly so cold
Katie N.
ewwww the bath
Whitney P.
pfft no one wears underwear like that
Katie N.
ew other people’s bar saop
Whitney P.
ugh
wouldn’t she be like dying of hypothermia??
Katie N.
nooooooo
Whitney P.
surf city usa
this snowman rape is actually pretty disturbing
Katie N.
the missing nose
Whitney P.
ouch
Katie N.
yeah it’s pretty dark even for jack frost
Whitney P.
that carrot
WASH IT OFF BEFORE MAKING IT YOUR NOSE AGAIN GOD
Katie N.
blech
THIS CITY SLICKER DOESN’T GET IT
Whitney P.
hahahah ARMORY
just a small town girl
watch yr muth
Katie N.
livin in SNOMONTON
Whitney P.
need to kno basis
joyce is such a tease
Katie N.
not joyce!
Whitney P.
WHAT ARE YA NUTZ
oh right! she uses her beauty ritual against him
Katie N.
nuke snomonton
Whitney P.
woman’s intuition
THE TRUTH COMES OUT
Katie N.
who r u pipl
Whitney P.
drip drip drip
ILLLL FINNNND A WAY
Katie N.
he did. fuckers a snowman
Whitney P.
i like the part about how he cant fit through jail bars
Katie N.
i wonder what the blowdryer budget was for this film
Whitney P.
$25
probably twice that for hair spray
Katie N.
aquanet
or kirkland brand
Whitney P.
joyce was NOT a team player you can tell just by looking at her
KIRKLAND
Katie N.
haha the snow hand effect
Whitney P.
SALT
it’s like that scene from the pirates of the caribbean ride
with the dog
arf arf
Katie N.
haha
Whitney P.
broke my heart every time
Katie N.
too soon
is it over now? i dunno
oh man i forgot about the picasso line!
Whitney P.
so good
asprin
YOUR PLACE OR MINE JOYCE
Katie N.
this is getting too sciency
needs more animation
the soul is a chemical. Indisputable.
WTF is absolutely watertight? A ziploc? We don’t have one of those!
Whitney P.
duh it’s the 7/10 split
DAT FACE
Katie N.
haha
this move just keeps going!
Whitney P.
take the little angel to the doctor
Katie N.
justice is served
Whitney P.
that was easy
all is well
Katie N.
guess we can all go home
Whitney P.
i mean, who cares about all that steam
oh it feels cold
Katie N.
COOOOOOOOLD
Whitney P.
i love this part
Katie N.
HAAAAAAAAAA
Whitney P.
that’s what happens when you work for the government
Katie N.
flawless
Whitney P.
OH NO RYAN
Katie N.
#donteatyellowsnow
Whitney P.
he’s goin doooown
Katie N.
This kid isn’t going to take a shower for years
Whitney P.
don’t splash around in the water it could get in your mouth
….says NO ONE but they should
Katie N.
yeah they should
Whitney P.
OATS
Katie N.
the OATS
Whitney P.
sorry i didn’t want you to get cold dad
so i put antifreeze in your breakfast dad
Katie N.
*hugs*
Whitney P.
“i can see my house from heeeere”
is a cool sarah palin joke before its time
Katie N.
haha
Whitney P.
5 minutes paul
get me all the antifreeze you have
put it in your pickup truck ok
oh this joke again
let me guess SNOWBALLS
wait
NO balls
??
Katie N.
gotcha
Whitney P.
that’s not even a joke
Katie N.
guitar riff II
Whitney P.
i like how he’s in the snowmanton whorehouse
Katie N.
the sheriff has been mishearing the joke all season
Whitney P.
lol NO BALLS
Katie N.
he laughs so he won’t cry
Whitney P.
i’m only now realizing how depressing this art film really is
FIVE MINUTES
Katie N.
lol wait is that really a whorehouse?
Whitney P.
i’m assuming because of all that weird green light?
Katie N.
safe assumption
Whitney P.
and now they’re watching the charlie brown christmas?
at least that teacher wah wah wah person
=whores
“it’s the cavalry, asshole!”
RYAN
Katie N.
that antifreeze has to feel good on that open wound
Whitney P.
pull out his heart
his cold undead still-beating bloody snowman heart
Katie N.
wrestling a white sheet
Whitney P.
WHAT HAVE I DONE
poof
all gone
Katie N.
oh god!
he lives as an arm!
Whitney P.
baptize the shit out of him he will be fine
antifreeze is good for children
they put it in oats after all
Katie N.
i recognize the baptism symbolism
YES
so many religious overtones
more calvary jokes
Whitney P.
and now the holy mary song
or whatever
silent nite
GUITAR RIFF III
Katie N.
these plastic bottles should do.
Whitney P.
yeah what could possibly go wrong
Katie N.
damn that was intense!
phew
Whitney P.
i know, we made it thru!!!
Katie N.
good watching party
did chris have as much fun as we did?
Whitney P.
chris did
he loves all the weird shit i do
DON’T YOU CHRIS
can you believe,
he didn’t watch TV before i met him?
i changed all that
Katie N.
who doesn’t watch tv? so sad
Whitney P.
i know. i needed to learn him.
let’s plan on watching another thing soon!!!!
Katie N.
Yes, this was fun and hilarious
Whitney P.
amen sister
you pick the show
Katie N.
ok!
now I need to go see what Brent is up to
Whitney P.
lol cool. welp happy christfest!!! love to everybody
Katie N.
u tooooo!
FIN

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