Santorum Slashfic: Rank Stinktorium Takes a Bath

March 5, 2012 § 1 Comment

So far, the Presidential nomination process has supplied the American people with enough facepalms and uncomfortable laughter to last every man, woman and child well into 2013. Lost in this torrid shitshow has been the subtle art of political slashfic—UNTIL NOW. Each week I’ll select a particular media artifact (a picture, video clip, or ill-conceived comment) and will write a story based on the people, places or things contained therein. Today, Rick Santorum takes a bath, because he is a dirty boy!

For more, head on over to this week’s slashfic entry:

[and/or full text after the jump]

“Ducky,” Rick Santorum asks, grasping the base of his favorite shale bath toy. “Am I a stinkpot?”

Santorum splishes halfheartedly at the shower curtain and lets his soft body glide further under the water. Almost up to his eyes.

“Look,” he froths through the soapy water. “I’m a papapotamus.”

Rick laughs, but he is sad. It’s been a long day. He lost another one of the states where the sinners are to the man with all the teeth. If he loses again on Tuesday, how else will he save the unborn. Worse, just after the results were announced, he’d overheard one of his advisors call him a mean name.

“It was uncalled for,” Rick tells his Ducky. “I take baths.”

This wasn’t the first time Rick’s personal hygiene had come under fire. At Penn State, his frat brothers used to call him Rank Stinktorium, a joke that took Rick months to get. “Like ice skating?” he kept asking. But that was ages ago, gosh. 

“Luckily I have bigger fish to fry,” Rick says. “Like the man with all the teeth. Matt Roomby. But how?”

Ducky doesn’t answer. Ducky never answers.

“As my campaign advisor, you have been a disappointment,” Rick says. “I’m going to have to punish you.”

And with that he drags his favorite bath toy beneath the surface. Tonight, there will be more than one lesson learned.

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§ One Response to Santorum Slashfic: Rank Stinktorium Takes a Bath

  • Stephaine says:

    It is primarily the innumerable health attributes just that has
    made one with the variant, Green tea so very popular.
    Also, if you bought a type made completely away from
    glass, the brewed coffee could not be confronted with other
    materials, that ruin its taste. This means that regardless
    of how neutral they want to be, they might never
    deny their own taste and private views.

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