Santorum Slashfic: The Dark Side of Santorum

March 7, 2012 § Leave a comment

Use the force Rick


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[and/or full text after the jump]

Night has descended upon the land. Super Tuesday has come and gone, and Rick Santorum finds himself alone. At least he thinks he is alone.

Rick Santorum: [looking down at disappointing election returns] WHAT HAVE I DONE.

Darth Gingrich: [emerges from the shadows] You are fulfilling your destiny, Rick. Become my apprentice. Step over to the dark side. There’s no turning back now.

Rick Santorum: I will do whatever you ask. Just help me save the unborn. I can’t live without them. If they aren’t born, I don’t know what I will do.

Darth Gingrich: …You’re serious.

Rick Santorum: Of course I am serious. A person’s a person, no matter how small.

Darth Gingrich: To take one’s campaign platform seriously is a power no Republican nominee has ever achieved.

Rick Santorum: Surely that cannot be true. Ronald Reagan…

Darth Gingrich: …Privately was a kindly, humble man and staunch supporter of civil rights, particularly gay rights. In fact he was gay, as gay as the sky is blue. All Republicans who have ever held office have been as gay as the sky is blue, from time immemorial.

Rick Santorum: But what about family values? What about the sanctity of marriage?

Darth Gingrich: We believe in the sanctity of marriage. Most of us are happily gay married. Such is the power of the dark side. If you agree to join us, I can help you discover its secrets.

Rick Santorum: And I’ll be powerful?

Darth Gingrich: Beyond your wildest dreams.

Rick Santorum: And the unborn?

Darth Gingrich: There will be life-threatening or otherwise unwanted pregnancies as far as the eye can see, as you wish. So long as you join us.

Rick Santorum: [kneels] I pledge myself to your teachings. To the ways of the pundit.

Darth Gingrich: Good. Good! The darkness is strong with you, Rick Santorum. A powerful Republican you will become. Henceforth you shall be known as….Santorum still works.

Rick Santorum: Thank you, my master.

Darth Gingrich: Darth Santorum…rise.


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