Santorum Slashfic: Ricky Makes a Career Change

April 20, 2012 § Leave a comment

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Today in Santorum Slashfic, Ricky struggles with his loss, and in the process convinces Mitt Romney that he’s a stray dog!

For the full story, click on over to Modern Primate!

[and/or full text after the jump]

Ricky Santorum hasn’t taken off his bunny costume since Easter. His mom kept telling him he had to because it smelled so bad, but Ricky kept saying NO MOM NO and crying. On the day Jesus told him to drop out of the President Race to spend more time with his gun collection, Ricky was so scared about what might happen if he changed his clothes he finger painted a suit-shape onto an old blanket and cut a hole where his head was supposed to go. “See mom no one can tell,” he said.

Since then, Ricky has spent his days moping around the house opening cupboards and flaking off bits of leftover Easter chocolate. Ricky’s mom had to start following him around with a vacuum cleaner because he was making such a mess. “Stop opening all those cupboards,” his mom kept telling him. Ricky would turn around to look at her, blink, then open up another cupboard.

Ricky thought running for President was hard, but it turned out that not running for President was even harder. After a few days of opening cupboards and shedding, he decided he needed a new after school project. But everything he wanted to do didn’t let people wear bunny costumes, for example giving tours at the Creation Museum. Sad and bored, Ricky even looked on Craigslist to see if Michael had posted anything about him in the section where men ask other men if they want to be friends. But there was nothing. Why was there always nothing?

The other thing that was terrible was that Matt Roomby was always on the TV now talking about things like how it’s sooo fun to be rich. Ricky couldn’t get his dumb voice out of his head! So one morning he decided to drive to Matt Roomby’s house to tell him to stop talking so much and also his teeth were the wrong size. Ricky’s teeth had been the wrong size once too. There were things you could do.

When Ricky got to Matt Roomby’s house, there were lots of cars in the driveway. “I wonder if they are having a party,” Ricky said. He walked to the door and rang the bell, which was made out of the beautiful jewel Ricky thought the old lady threw into the ocean at the end of Titanic. That movie was so much better in 3D! A maid answered the door. She said some words Ricky didn’t understand. “Could you say that again except this time in White?” he asked her. The maid frowned and called for another maid, who had to call for another, and then another, until finally they placed a telegram to the Butler. He was about to send a a pigeon to one of the footman when finally Matt Roomby looked up from his Angry Birds game and walked over to the door.

Matt made a funny face. There appeared to be a large animal standing on his porch. “Can I help you?” he asked.

Ricky didn’t know what to say. He scratched at his matted costume.

“Are you here because of the ad?”

Ricky shook his head. What ad did Matt Roomby mean?

“Wanted: Relatable Family Dog to Help Me Run for President.”

Ricky cocked his head.

“Well of course you are, you old scamp! Just in time, too – we were hoping to have a nice family photo-op this weekend. Consider yourself adopted!”

Ricky wasn’t sure what Matt meant, but he wagged his tail anyway!

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