TLC Virgin Diaries: A Recap!

July 19, 2012 § 2 Comments

Last winter, TLC took their exploifreakment game to the next level by airing Virgin Diaries, a one-hour special devoted to the “challenges, truths and anticipations” faced by America’s adult virgins. TLC insisted that the show was a “celebration” of its subjects’ unspoilt lunchmeat, an argument one could also make of Toddlers and Tiaras (a celebration of the mother daughter bond), or My Strange Addiction (a celebration of the varieties of gastronomical experience), or 18 19 Kids and Counting (a celebration of heterosexual hoarding). Yes, a celebration, ok!

Although I was excited to meet the hymens, I was unfortunately unable to catch the premiere. This was genuinely upsetting, as—for some reason!—TLC only aired the special once. I searched for a torrent, but no luck; I scoured my favorite semi-legal streaming websites, but nothing; WHO WAS I GOING TO HAVE TO SCREW TO GET MY HANDS ON THE VIRGIN DIARIES??

Luckily for America, TLC reconsidered their anti-virgin stance, and in early July announced they’d be airing a follow-up special on July 18, 2012.

The special proved to be just that, and profiled Lindsey, 33, Karissa, 29, and Skippy, 34, plus snippets from Ryan and Shanna, the couple from the original Virgin Diaries who popularized the latest trend in sucker fish-inspired PDA. The following is a collection of sense impressions and quotes, because sharing is caring.

Ryan and Shanna

At an abandoned fairground on their one-year sexaversary, Ryan sings his blushing bride a heartfelt ditty:

“We have, we have each other, don’t we, now and forever, I will never leave you nooooow…”

Later, under a topiary, in the rain:

Ryan: We have a great love life now.

Shanna: Heeeeeee.

[The light leaves Ryan’s eyes]

Ryan slooowly approaches Shanna, who is for some reason pinned against a tree. He leans in and they kiss, I guess.

“What in the Twilight hell,” I ask, quoting someone on Twitter. “Well at least they’re not chewing now,” my boyfriend says. He is right. At least they aren’t.

Lindsey

Lindsey is a sexually frustrated Christian. “God knows what he’s talking about,” she says. She also says her older boyfriend Jon’s slightest touch arouses her, which is why Jon isn’t allowed to touch her. Jon, who is not a virgin, looks on with exhaustion.

Jon and Lindsey are in the kitchen, making peanut butter sandwiches. Not-having-sex talk ensues. “Creamy. Creamy all day,” Lindsey says. Jon doesn’t take the bait.

LET’S NOT TALK ABOUT HOW I CAN’T STOP TALKING ABOUT SEX, I CAN’T STOP THINKING ABOUT NOT TALKING ABOUT SEX OR NOT HAVING SEX I CAN’T HAVE SEX OR THINK ABOUT SEX NO SEX, SEX, NO SEX.

“I feel pressured…she said she’s not going to do anything unless I marry her,” Jon says. The next day he goes ring shopping. Personally, I think he should marry her, so they can have sex!

In the end, Jon decides not to go through with it. Lindsey is expecting a ring, because it is her 33rd birthday, and is understandably disappointed when Jon gives her a card. A card! That’s not a ring. But who knows what will happen in the future. Keep (not) fucking that chicken, kids!

Karissa

Karissa has never wanted to have sex with anyone (read: dudes, which may be the issue). Or maybe no one has ever wanted to have sex with her? Karissa doesn’t understand. “I like to dress up,” she says. “I like to have fun. I bake. I like to play sports. I don’t have a gag reflex.”

“I’ve known from the get-go that my mom was a huge slut,” Karissa says. This seems to amuse her.

Regarding her daughter’s first time, Karissa’s mom says that it will likely be very awkward. But Karissa has a crush on a new boy, so fingers crossed. “I guess we should get some birth control pills soon,” she says, laughing manically.

Karissa asks her friends for advice. “My biggest piece of advice for you is, don’t talk,” one says. Later in a solo interview, the friend is even less reserved. “Honestly, I think her first time is going to be hysterical.”

Later in the show, Karissa sleeps with the dude she likes. “When it was happening,” she says, “I was ready for it to be done.” She taps at her watch.

Skippy

Skippy is a Mormon virgin who lives in his mom’s basement and is the Next Big Thing, on the internet.

“My Body is a Temple,” one of his shirts—he makes and collects shirts related to virginity—reads. “Would You Like a Temple Recommended Interview?”

Other shirts: “Virginity Rocks” ; “Nice Guy: Finishing Last Since 1977”; “Fun, Single and Ready to Mingle”; “30+ Single Mormons: Proof Dinosaurs Exist”; “I Made out With Skippy for 3 Minutes, and All I Got was this Lousy T-Shirt.”

The last shirt he offers to the girls he’s trying to kiss.

Skippy also collects belly button lint, which he stores in a mason jar in his room. “I’m not gonna make a sweater out of it,” he says indignantly. “I just have a big ball of belly button lint.”

To keep in shape, and also to blow off steam, Skippy uses a shake weight while standing on a vibrating exercise machine.

When he goes out line dancing, he brings his mom, who wears a shirt that says “Wing-Mom,” and passes out stickers to the girls her meets. The stickers say “Skippy loves me,” “I love Skippy” and “Skippy is my friend.” When he gets too sweaty, he goes out into the lobby and dries himself with a hair dryer.

“I need a rut in my life,” he says.

“I’m 34 years old, I’m a virgin, and I’m awesome,” he says.

“I aspire to be a great big spoon,” he says.

He invites a girl over, and his mom makes them pizza. They eat the pizza downstairs in Skippy’s room. “Do you have your future kids’ names picked out?” he asks.

Wing-mom is in the hallway, listening.

During one of the commercial breaks, TLC runs a promo for week’s episode.

“Yup, we found more,” it says.

Again. A celebration.

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