I’m Not Ashamed to Admit

November 6, 2013 § Leave a comment

I really thought these crazy kids were going to make it

…That I asked myself this very question, and in fact discussed the custody question mark that is DOURTNEY STODDEN (Courtney Stodden and Eugene Victor Tooms’s adopted dogchild) via text with my very best childhood friend (of Martha Stewart fame; see this post for a rundown of our various fantagonistic exploits). “I can’t believe Doug and Courtney are calling it quits!” she wrote. “I know!!! I am heartbroken,” I responded, after which I asked about Doutney’s sad future as a dog from a broken home. “I read they will share custody (phew!),” Katie answered. “At least there’s some justice in the world,” I wrote, and then went on a long rant about how I hope it turns out this is the STUNT QUEEN move to end all STUNT QUEEN moves (the phrase “STUNT QUEEN” must always be in all-Kanyes), and that Doug, Courtney, and Dourtney will be laughing all the way to the bank/VH1’s primetime lineup a la Speidi. A girl can dream!

Really though, I’m sorry to hear this news (I’m not, really, because Courtney needs to spread her wings and FLY). My love for the instillation art piece that is Courtney Stodden is well documented; verily she is the hero we all deserve. So, I salute you, the former Mrs. Doug Hutchison! I trust you are already shopping a Rock of Love-style dating show (also: apparently the NYT reviewer who thought she was slamming Rock of Love doesn’t realize that an opening line like “VH1’s ‘Rock of Love With Bret Michaels’ is carnival sludge: a nauseating paste of fried dough, cigarette ash, salt and grain alcohol” only makes my heart grow fonder). I do not think I need to say that I will watch that mess, because I will. Oh, how I will watch it.

In conclusion, never change you beautiful troll!

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