Because iChat transcripts are the poetry of our time, and because it’s Christmas Eve, I thought I’d share the below cyber viewing e-party forward slash liveblog. The art film (which is NOT the Jack Frost starring Michael Keaton you guys) is currently streaming on Netflix
so if you really want to get interactive you can watch while reading our commentary! omg asynchronous. Ho ho ho everybody!!!
r u ready????
READY TO HIT PLAY!
i’m just making myself some antifreeze
for your oats
paused at 2sec
let’s hit play on the count of 3
peeeese uncle henry
god even the beginning gives me the creeps
happy scary story
HE DID IT FOR REAL??
knives thru their faces
too many hugs
uncle henry would know
i don’t think he’s really her uncle
“…until the pies”
nathan is looking at me like i’m crazy
get with the program, nathan
he’s pretty drunk tho
finally, let’s get to the meat of this holiday tale!
STATE EXECUTION VEHICLE
lol michael keaton looks BEAT
handsome, beat, tho
if you lived here you’d be home by now
my god, it’s shakespearian
they know something is wrong
you can tell from how they’re frowning
i forgot how the magic happens…i can’t wait
i like how there’s only one wiper on that whole execution transport vehicle
the 90s really were a magical time
O NO DRUNK DRIVAR
oh yeah…genetic research
it’s normal to write that on a truck
+ christmas magic
= MUTANT KILLAH SNOWMAN
now it all make sense
pew pew pew
you can’t kill snow you anus!
look, it’s the poor man’s david hasselhoff
what is this, sharknado
what a crossover that would be
needs to happen
i like how he was pissing
i think that was castaic
I would be honored
lol me too
i searched for pics of “castaic ca” and the first 5 were of freeway fires
yeah that sounds about right
haha this kid has an emotional disorder
wow this house is depressing
should he really be using the stove?
i like how there’s no snow in snowmonton
lol…here’s the snow part of town
shannon elizabeth’s breakout role
chris just said “hey that’s what’s her name, she was in stuff back then”
a few stuff
frosty paper icicles
everyone in this town is a little…oats
totally made of ice
this is the weirdest looking coconut snow
the difference between snowmen & snowwomen
tommy is hot, regardless of IQ
i like the salt guy
i’ll find a way
end of an era
IT’S THE PUNCHLINE TO END ALL PUNCHLINES
oh my god she was like 18
show some respect
this is snowmonton
i made these oats special for you
this is like a coen brothers film
That would be epic
that would be the sex dream of my dreams, really
it’s never over
you bruce campbell stand-in
this music is stessing me out!
oh shit that weasel guy was on the xfiles
he was the “scruffy minds” guy
who lived in a red lion inn
that guy mummified so quick
it must be that brisk central california air
i didn’t make no snowman
go put on his balls and face
old man harper
that is sexual harassment and I don’t have to take it
that kid is such an idiot
weirdest snow ever
i didn’t do it
it wasn’t me!
for decapitation that really isn’t much blood
sad piano little town of bethleham
it’s like a half-spilled cup o noodles
mmm i want some
that kid is touched
by the devil
“i have to believe my son”
don’t you think you’re being little dramatic
let’s all just go home. case closed
naw it’s just a snowman head
uuuuggghhh what a depressing house
i know. everything about this shack
dat celery even
“life finds a way”
hits his head on those low ceilings
lol jeeez sam
does sam die or what?
that salty bastard
axe you a question
was that sam?
and he says something awesome like “christ salting devil”
I cant wait
the holiday decor in all these homes
lady of the nite
THE LORD FORSOOCK THIS HOUSE LONG AGO DAD
I can tell
finish my scarf
“when i want philosophy i’ll turn on oprah”
first good death
listen for the blasphemy
why would it be sam
some dubbed voices
because sam needs to make peace!
lol michael keaton
this is the weirdest family film
chris: “THAT’S NOT HOW YOU KILL SOMEONE WITH AN AXE!!!”
JUST DRINK YOUR TEA CHRIS
YOUR SON IS DEAD
you christ filthing dog
christ filthing dog is pretty great
one of cinema’s greatest death scenes
One for the ages
Tinsel on trees
i like how she grabs a handful of ice
and then he’s made of felt
This Jack Frost kinda reminds me of Alex Mack
you get from living in valencia
I know that felt arm. haha
lol and remember her killjoy sister annie?
is that show streaming anywhere!?
i’m sure we can find it
I remember reading on reddit this guy was like “the secret world of alex mack introduced me to the secret world of boners”
it’s like reddit in a nutshell
chris is now questioning where snowmanton is located
“chef excellence” is what chris calls the FBI agent
I like that the sheriff corrects him, “…old man harper?”
“asshole!” you go joyce
The real hero
english, tony, english
instead of he or she??
all these killings are blowing doug’s mind!
just a figure of speech, sam
i’d hit it
FBI is such a killjoy
is that guy irish??
way to go!
oh no, father!
all 10 people in town are there
it’s a great turnout
FUCKERS A SNOOOOOWMAN
he had it comin
wearing an outfilt like that
punch out all 20 people in this town
go darn a quilt or something
ew, “what’s eating him”
“i betcha it ain’t his girlfriend”
i love this scene
everybody’s fucking chin
IT’S A TRAP
welp. snowman said so
“i guess i better get my snow shovel”
“no it’s cool and normal”
that knowing look
this isn’t much of a “happy” story
and everything leaks
the oven from like the 1940’s
ugh particle board
lucky sam sent me
pipes made of sawdust and glue
is this a porno?
his son drew it this morning
chris: “what is it with this movie, where they’re really not trying at all”
OH I BEG TO DIFFER
lol linolium. LOLnolium
oh god your linolieum is starting to peel!
uh oh sexy sex
“are you gonna come or not”
didn’t her brother die right there like…that day?
that’s the point i think?
in the best way shannon elizabeth knows how
take off those layers
chris: “we’re gonna get SO undressed”
I’LL BE BLOW DRYING MY HAIR TOMMY
thanks trader joes
my dad still gets all his christmas wine gifts there
raindeer slop water or whatever
nothing but the best for my guests
sure put some ice in the wine
a nice rose
and celery carrot water
OH NO WHOSE DARE
“well it ain’t fuckin frosty”
i want hawaiian snow!
i like the brains effects
and that idiot, still drying her hair
that water is prolly so cold
ewwww the bath
pfft no one wears underwear like that
ew other people’s bar saop
wouldn’t she be like dying of hypothermia??
surf city usa
this snowman rape is actually pretty disturbing
the missing nose
yeah it’s pretty dark even for jack frost
WASH IT OFF BEFORE MAKING IT YOUR NOSE AGAIN GOD
THIS CITY SLICKER DOESN’T GET IT
just a small town girl
watch yr muth
livin in SNOMONTON
need to kno basis
joyce is such a tease
WHAT ARE YA NUTZ
oh right! she uses her beauty ritual against him
THE TRUTH COMES OUT
who r u pipl
drip drip drip
ILLLL FINNNND A WAY
he did. fuckers a snowman
i like the part about how he cant fit through jail bars
i wonder what the blowdryer budget was for this film
probably twice that for hair spray
or kirkland brand
joyce was NOT a team player you can tell just by looking at her
haha the snow hand effect
it’s like that scene from the pirates of the caribbean ride
with the dog
broke my heart every time
is it over now? i dunno
oh man i forgot about the picasso line!
YOUR PLACE OR MINE JOYCE
this is getting too sciency
needs more animation
the soul is a chemical. Indisputable.
WTF is absolutely watertight? A ziploc? We don’t have one of those!
duh it’s the 7/10 split
this move just keeps going!
take the little angel to the doctor
justice is served
that was easy
all is well
guess we can all go home
i mean, who cares about all that steam
oh it feels cold
i love this part
that’s what happens when you work for the government
OH NO RYAN
he’s goin doooown
This kid isn’t going to take a shower for years
don’t splash around in the water it could get in your mouth
….says NO ONE but they should
yeah they should
sorry i didn’t want you to get cold dad
so i put antifreeze in your breakfast dad
“i can see my house from heeeere”
is a cool sarah palin joke before its time
5 minutes paul
get me all the antifreeze you have
put it in your pickup truck ok
oh this joke again
let me guess SNOWBALLS
that’s not even a joke
guitar riff II
i like how he’s in the snowmanton whorehouse
the sheriff has been mishearing the joke all season
lol NO BALLS
he laughs so he won’t cry
i’m only now realizing how depressing this art film really is
lol wait is that really a whorehouse?
i’m assuming because of all that weird green light?
and now they’re watching the charlie brown christmas?
at least that teacher wah wah wah person
“it’s the cavalry, asshole!”
that antifreeze has to feel good on that open wound
pull out his heart
his cold undead still-beating bloody snowman heart
wrestling a white sheet
WHAT HAVE I DONE
he lives as an arm!
baptize the shit out of him he will be fine
antifreeze is good for children
they put it in oats after all
i recognize the baptism symbolism
so many religious overtones
more calvary jokes
and now the holy mary song
GUITAR RIFF III
these plastic bottles should do.
yeah what could possibly go wrong
damn that was intense!
i know, we made it thru!!!
good watching party
did chris have as much fun as we did?
he loves all the weird shit i do
DON’T YOU CHRIS
can you believe,
he didn’t watch TV before i met him?
i changed all that
who doesn’t watch tv? so sad
i know. i needed to learn him.
let’s plan on watching another thing soon!!!!
Yes, this was fun and hilarious
you pick the show
now I need to go see what Brent is up to
lol cool. welp happy christfest!!! love to everybody