The High Tragedy of a Thwarted Chatwatch Viewing Party of Flowers in the Attic
January 20, 2014 § 3 Comments
I was so excited to hear that Lifetime, the great fuckery purveyor of our time, was going to air a remake of the supercamp classic Flowers in the Attic (not convinced? watch this video). Plot summary: Woman marries her uncle and gets disowned by her crazy wealthy, crazy religious and generally just crazy parents. Seventeen years and four incest babies later, her husband-uncle gets killt and suddenly the family has no money, and desperate times etc. So the woman decides to return to her parents’ million-billion dollar estate (we’re talking some Queen of Versailles shit) and tries to win back her dad’s love before he dies so she can have money again, to support her life’s aspiration of being beautiful, I guess. The dad’s like “sure but only because you never had kids with your uncle, also take your shirt off so I can whip you,” and his daughter is like “….right, and ok,” so then she tells her kids, who she was already hiding in the attic because she knew her dad wouldn’t approve, that they have to stay locked in the attic till her dad dies and while the kids are in the attic the oldest boy and girl prove they are their parents’ children, plus drink each other’s blood cuz hungry, and other trials and tribulations that one would expect when incest siblings are locked in an attic together for four years. Over time their mom’s visits become less and less frequent, and at first the kids are worried about her, until they realize she’s getting remarried and planning on leaving them up there forever and WHAT ARE THEY GOING TO DO?!?
The 2014 version stars Heather Graham as the vain incest mommy, Helen Busrtyn (who I can only imagine signed on for the lulz), Sally Draper as Heather Graham’s oldest daughter, some Zac Effron-looking bro as her oldest son and some other people, who cares. Anyway I’d hoped to chatwatch this art film with Katie, but alas she’d already seen it by the time I asked. So, I decided to ask Nathan, my year and a half-old pitt bull. He said he’d be happy to (i.e. Chris agreed to play along), but then TRAGEDY STRUCK. Despite the fact that it’s streaming on Lifetime.com, and should be available for all hatewatchers because democracy, the damn thing is locked behind a cable provider ISPwall (like paywall, but for internet service providers). We don’t have cable –which is no problem 97% of the time– and for some reason no one’s uploaded the file to a streaming site (dunno about torrents, our connection is fine for streaming but too slow for anything properly illegal), meaning my day is officially RUINED.
Hopefully someone will upload a copy after tonight’s encore presentation, but until then, I guess I’m stuck watching a marathon of sexually uncomfortable episodes of Star Trek: The Next Generation, i.e. every episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation, which is what Chris is making me watch today. God this show! So many spitty mouth noises, set against the silent vacuum of space. Dis-gusting.