The Greatest of All Time

July 30, 2014 § 1 Comment

You're my everything

You are my everything

Oh Martha Stewart! Like one of those fine wines I’ve heard so much about on television, you just get better and better with age. You DGAF, you’re a saucy minx, you throw shade like a boss, and generally you are just my hero. God bless everything about you and your latest Time Magazine article, titled “Why I Love My Drone.” Quoth:

One of my farm workers used his drone, a DJI Phantom flying camera, to capture amazing images of my 153-acre farm in Bedford, New York. Suddenly we could see with astonishing clarity the layout of the open fields, the horse paddocks, the chicken coops, the greenhouses, the hay barn, the cutting gardens and henhouses, the clematis pergola, and the long allée of boxwood. The photos were so good I posted them to my blog on The response was phenomenal!

No, Martha, YOU are phenomenal. Do go on!

The shots of my farm were breathtaking and showed not only a very good landscape design — thanks to the surveyors and landscapers who worked with me on the overall vision, much as le Notre worked with Louis XIV — they also showed me what more I can do in the future, and revealed unexpected beauty.

An aerial shot of the vegetable garden looked very much like my Peter Rabbit marzipan embellished Easter cake, which was designed without the help of a drone.

I mean the comedic timing. The drollness! Perfection.


One of the Greatest Things

July 17, 2014 § Leave a comment

…Is this video of Joaquin Phoenix’s super serious forehead flipped upside to look like a monster’s smiling face. Just trust me.

It’s Raining Fails O’er at Fox News

July 15, 2014 § Leave a comment

Fox News is REALLY MAD and super duper confused about why Illinois State University would bother redesignating existing family restrooms (i.e. restrooms where parents of any gender can accompany their kids of any gender) as all gender restrooms, thus allowing trans students to avoid weird bathroom run-ins with rude, ignorant, or well-intentioned but overly inquisitive cis people. The gender scholars over at Fox & Friends were like “WHAT DOES THIS EVEN MEAN OH GOD? HOW CAN YOU HAVE A SYMBOL OF A BATHROOM LADY ICON MIXED WITH A BATHROOM BOY ICON AND HAVE ANYONE KNOW WHAT THE NEW ICON MEANS????” (video available in above link)

In order to prove how confusing this concept is to average Americans, crack reporter Steve Doocy gathered up some Fox News fans in front of the NYC studio & was like “pff! pff! what does this even mean?” and gestured at the new bathroom sign like “THIS GUY, am I right!” -to which the assembled group was like, “no we get it.” And when Doocy tried to mock the idea that the bathrooms would be all gender as in TRANSgender (implication: “that’s not even a real thing, I MEAN”), the guy he was talking to was like, “yeah, transgender,” totally matter-of-fact, because it’s all pretty self-explanatory. And then Doocy’s face just drops! And the reporters back in the studio are left scratching their heads. “Well they’re better people than us,” host Brian Kilmeade says, crestfallen. “I could not figure it out…and we had the story in front of us. It makes no sense. Why is the torso so big? And the dress so small.”

Fox News everybody!

The Wisdom of Puppies

July 13, 2014 § Leave a comment

I know, I know, I haven’t been posting much, largely because I immediately jumped from submitting my first book to working on the proposal for my second book, which will focus on antagonism, mischief, and humor online. Also, all these episodes of Broad City, Frisky Dingo, and Sins & Secrets aren’t going to watch themselves, oh well. I will likely return to a more regular posting schedule once my life schedule gets back to normal, or what passes for normal. For now, here is a puppy expressing concern for his elderly friend!

Time is Just a Flat Circle

April 17, 2014 § Leave a comment

I have just been watching so much good TV lately you guys! That and formatting the SHIT out of my book. It’s coming along, it’s coming along. Re: the warming glow, I have much to say about it all –verily television is the richest of subjects– but for now, please enjoy the best True Detective parody that actually is an AT&T commercial. Forthcoming this weekend, if I feel like it: reviews of Top of the Lake, Frisky Dingo, The Bletchley Circle, and of course True Detective, which is every. damn. bit as good. as all the other people on TV are saying it is!

George Bush’s Performance Art Instillation

April 4, 2014 § Leave a comment

i dunno lol

Earlier this week I was contacted by a reporter at the Houston Chronicle PANICKING about a deadline for a story (which she never ended up publishing, possibly because of unhelpful sources) about “How Ted Cruz Got Trolled,” her primary question being “So just how trolled did Ted Cruz get.” To which I could only look around and make the above face. Because I dunno, lol.

While I was reluctant to ascribe trolling–or anything! I don’t read minds– to the Ted Cruz story, I am so very tempted to declare George Boosh’s performance art instillation “Here Are Some World Leaders LOL” one of the strangest acts of trollery in Presidential history, this week anyway. I just have so many feels about this, how could it NOT be trolling. Don’t get me wrong, it definitely isn’t. However, I feel trolled by 43, and at 6:45 in the morning, isn’t that enough?

Some Thoughts on the Second Season of House of Cards

February 17, 2014 § 2 Comments

One of the things I like most about the human experience is how complicated everything is. There are a few issues, behaviors, and attitudes that are clearly this or that [insert your favorite binary here], but the vast majority of our time on earth is spent hovering between the this and the that. Our relationships, even the solid ones, are often complicated and strange; we are rarely presented with completely obvious, clear-cut choices; and everything we do is covered in layer upon layer of emotions that half the time we can’t identify, even when they’re our own, and which further muddle the above two points. It is just a shitshow, and I say that in the best possible sense.

But as comfortable as I am with grey areas IRL, I do appreciate the occasional black and white binary on TV — which is why I’ve so enjoyed watching the first two seasons of House of Cards (Chris and I finished streaming Season 2 last night). Unlike other shows featuring complicated lead (usually male) characters (that’s bullshit by the way, the world needs more representations of complicated female villains — and being a shitty mother or husband-stealing sex monster doesn’t count, those are just one-dimensional caricatures), House of Cards doesn’t soften the edges of their otherwise unlikable characters by inserting an ultimately human, if tragically wounded, center. The people on this show are terrible to their core, and those few who aren’t terrible to their core suffer terrible consequences.

There is something so refreshingly straightforward about this arrangement. Everyone is bad; everyone is selfish. Everyone –at least, everyone who emerges victorious– is ruthlessly pragmatic, and capable of committing moral atrocity after moral atrocity without breaking a sweat. Yes there are people like this in real life, but it’s a rare human who doesn’t have something you could empathize with, even if ultimately you want nothing to do with them interpersonally, and/or would feel more comfortable if they were in prison. And I suppose there are brief moments in House of Cards where these cracks do show for a half second or so, just long enough to confirm that the main characters do indeed understand the difference between right and wrong, and may even care, at least to the extent that they don’t want to be caught in a tangle of lies (how inconvenient, first of all) — but ultimately they reject these better angels. What they want is, at least from their perspective, more important than what anyone else might want, so…deal with it, bigger fish to fry, eye on the prize, and so on.

In this way, House of Cards is almost the perfect inversion of Ricky Gervais’ Derek, which is every bit as honest and straightforward and simple, just on the opposite end of the ethical spectrum. In the universe of Derek, people always say exactly what they mean, harbor nary an ulterior motive, and are fundamentally good — perhaps just as rare a combination of traits as the purely “bad” characters on House of Cards. In reality, very few people are EITHER saints OR devils, but that’s how the world works in these two shows. And it’s fun to watch, because neither thing is true.

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