The Greatest of All Time

July 30, 2014 § 1 Comment

You're my everything

You are my everything

Oh Martha Stewart! Like one of those fine wines I’ve heard so much about on television, you just get better and better with age. You DGAF, you’re a saucy minx, you throw shade like a boss, and generally you are just my hero. God bless everything about you and your latest Time Magazine article, titled “Why I Love My Drone.” Quoth:

One of my farm workers used his drone, a DJI Phantom flying camera, to capture amazing images of my 153-acre farm in Bedford, New York. Suddenly we could see with astonishing clarity the layout of the open fields, the horse paddocks, the chicken coops, the greenhouses, the hay barn, the cutting gardens and henhouses, the clematis pergola, and the long allée of boxwood. The photos were so good I posted them to my blog on Marthastewart.com. The response was phenomenal!

No, Martha, YOU are phenomenal. Do go on!

The shots of my farm were breathtaking and showed not only a very good landscape design — thanks to the surveyors and landscapers who worked with me on the overall vision, much as le Notre worked with Louis XIV — they also showed me what more I can do in the future, and revealed unexpected beauty.

An aerial shot of the vegetable garden looked very much like my Peter Rabbit marzipan embellished Easter cake, which was designed without the help of a drone.

I mean the comedic timing. The drollness! Perfection.

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Sometimes, the Universe Gives You a Gift

March 6, 2014 § 5 Comments

It's beautiful.

It’s beautiful.

You could be standing in line at the grocery store, twiddling your thumbs in front of an episode of Bridezillas (I don’t know what you do), or sitting through an all-day grant kickoff meeting, as I was this afternoon, when suddenly BOOM the heavens part and you are presented with a gift so pure, so beautiful, that you can hardly believe that it’s yours to keep and hold forever.

Case in point, the AMA Martha “My Everything” Stewart did today on Reddit, to which my little beauty childhood bestie Martha 4eva Kato (backstory here) alerted me via excited text message. I know, I know, to read it you’ll have to go ON Reddit. But that is a small price to pay, because how else will you learn the latest sexy sex tips? (“Always take a bath before and after.”) Or the merits of truffle oil? (“I think truffle oil is one of the few ingredients that doesn’t belong in anyone’s kitchen. It is ruinous of most recipes.”) Or how many tacos Martha Stewart can eat in one sitting? (“I was at a really good Mexican restaurant yesterday, and I ate one whole taco. I was still hungry.”) Or the secrets to proper towel maintenance? (“You should check your water, your soap, the temperature of the water, and your machine. Something’s wrong. Towels should last at least 20 years.”) Or some stone cold existential truths? (“We are all faced with serious challenges during a lifetime.”) Or how you should clean, as Reddit user joliekerr put it, a “steel riveted leather harness used for a strap-on dildo?” (“What’s a dildo?”).

So, I’m just going to sit here and let the joy just wash over me, because today is pretty much the greatest day of my life. Thanks to Kato for sharing the good news, and may god bless you, each and every one.

The Internet is a Scary and Musical Place

March 5, 2012 § Leave a comment

via BuzzFeed

via Dlisted

The greatest story I have ever heard.

Yo Dog I Herd You Like Dogs, Followed by Some Valentine’s Day HEART

February 14, 2012 § Leave a comment

Ragederp

Via this guy

Speaking of dogs winning the morning, my pre-Stodden hero Martha Stewart has one, and he just won a major award!

Mind your manners

On an unrelated Valentinian note:

Via Dlisted

On an even more inspirational Valentinian note:

Sometimes chicks marry chicks. Get the fuck over it!

Via BuzzFeed

I Like How She’s Doesn’t Offer Anyone Else A Mask

November 25, 2011 § Leave a comment

You go, girl!

Martha Stewart pepper sprays her turkey.

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